Conversations to have with Your Future Spouse Before Marriage

By Christina Kim - June 22, 2016


It is not easy to find someone you can call your life partner (I prefer to leave the soulmate part to further debate).

Someone who could make you think of spending the rest of your lifetime with.
Someone who makes you change your mind about being single.
Someone whom you want to be with, all the time.

Perhaps marriage comes to mind, though not everyone would think that marriage is the only way to spend the rest of their life with that special person they would call life partner.
No judgment on that.
Everyone has their own opinion on what works best; especially when it comes to their own happiness and lifetime.

However, I will be focusing on marriage since that is the topic here and also because that is the path I personally took, though it doesn't mean this is not applicable to anyone who chose not to go into marriage.
It is just more on a perspective and personal sharing rather than claiming to be the truth.

When you are considering marriage with someone you love and who loves you equally, the whole relationship and the outlook will be taking on to a further level.
It will go beyond the movie dates and romantic dinners, or the hard to bid goodbyes at the door every evening after going out with each other.

It is about spending your lives with each other.
It is about staying under the same roof, sharing the same bed, bathroom, kitchen and pretty much even the same air you breathe in as you move into the same living space.
You will be seeing this person every single day; he/she will be the first person you see when you open your eyes in the morning and the last person you see before you close your eyes at night.

It is not just about wearing gorgeous white gowns and tuxedos, and having a grand wedding ceremony; nor is it about putting on the rings and signing that piece of paper to officiate the status as each other's spouse.

It is way, way beyond that.

Sure, it is always sweet at the start and also during the time of a relationship between two people and everything seems perfect under the stars.

That is when they are two different individuals.

But when it comes to spending your life with each other; that means forever (whether you get married or cohabit with each other).

That requires more than just thinking or deciding where to eat or what movie to watch every day.

Even a single person would know that, when they purchase and move into their own homes.
There are just many things one would have to look into to ensure that their living conditions are meeting their expectations.

Take that situation and double it; we are talking about two different people coming together.

There are many factors to consider when two people come together; as both are unique individuals who came from different backgrounds, families, education, religious beliefs and the list goes on.
In short, both are Different people.

Even identical twins are different from each other, let alone life partners.

When you choose to enter into marriage, you are making a decision to bridge that gap and be with each other; amidst the fact that you are two different people.

There are of course, things you will need to consider and even talk about, or rather work it out amicably between the two of you as you plan your future together.

We are talking about two lives coming together as one.

There is no exact guide or definite list on what you should talk about, though no doubt, there are also many articles out there talking about what you should discuss with your future spouse before marriage.

There is also no firm timeline or law on when this conversation should take place; though it is recommended that the couple should talk about them before marriage.
There are those who would only look into them after marriage.

That is fine too, it is up to one's preference.
Perhaps if you have attended a pre-marriage workshop (based on religious denomination requirements or simply by choice ), you would be told or even guided to talk about topics before marriage.

I was always discussing about a lot of things with my partner; even way before marriage and starting from the time we met at the start of our relationship.

Perhaps I am always one for communication; things just naturally fall into place as we could talk about almost everything under the sun.
I think that is very important; communication is key when it comes to relationships as we share our minds and exchange our opinions, rather than keeping mum and leaving it to guesswork.

To me, a relationship is not a relationship if there is no communication involved.

Therefore, the ease of our communication just took its own flow as we discussed about things and possibilities of the future; or the prospects of marriage, even at the early stage of the relationship.
Even if you are not sure if marriage will be the answer, the topics to discuss are still relevant and play an important role in the overall prospect of the relationship.

Here, a few topics to talk about with your partner or someone you would consider your life partner/spouse before you commit to a lifelong relationship; casually or formally:-

1. Finances


Like it or not, this is the most important one of all, for we live in a commercially driven world; not to mention an extremely materialistic one.
It is hard to avoid the topic of money when it comes to living, or even if anyone wants to just stay alive.
It is the same, everywhere or anywhere in the world.

Who will be paying for what?
How will the finances be organized?
Will there be shared accounts, or division of expenditures?
What should you spend on, or not?
What are the spending habits you both have, and can you accept that of each other?
What needs to be cut back on?

Surely, we live in a contemporary society where everything is about equality and the evolution of time has also given both genders opportunities in all areas; and there is no longer any discrimination when it comes to gender (sure, gender discrimination still exists in some way or another, but in general, women and men can now choose their career paths and women no longer are confined to their homes or being denied education)

As both are now capable of making their own dough and supporting themselves financially, coming together as a couple would also mean pooling those financial resources and unless you are planning to keep everything to yourself, there should be discussion on the combined resources.
Of course, even if you ARE planning to keep your own money to yourself and make your spouse take up all the support of the household financially, make sure that is conveyed to your partner and that you can both come to a mutual agreement on what works best.

Don't let money be the reason to hinder you from a loving relationship.

2. Commitments/Priorities

When you were on your own, you had your own time to yourself and your own aspirations definitely.
You can choose what to do with your life, how to spend your free time or even what to pursue personally.

When it comes to being a couple, that should be laid out on the table.
Share with your partner your aspirations, and what you really like or even dislike.
Lay out your own plans and look into how that could now come into the picture with the two of you.
Sure, nobody can stop you from pursuing your dreams or tell you what to do, and this is not about that.

This is about how you can both work around your personal life goals and how they will fit into your lives.
Share your sentiments on things that matter to you, and have your partner understand that.
At the same time, put yourself into your partner's shoes as you try to look into their priorities too.

Understand the difference and the shared values you both share, so you can both move in the same direction.
Keep in mind that you are both different individuals and there are bound to be differences.

3. Religious Beliefs


Whether you are a devout religious devotee or an Atheist, you have your own beliefs when it comes to your way of life.
Your religions could be rooted from your family background and your upbringing, or it could be your very own choice.

It matters because you need your partner to understand your stand when it comes to your own beliefs; and if you are willing to convert to another religion if your partner requests to.
(Some religions require you to convert if you want to enter into marriage with each other)

This may be a sensitive topic; so approach with care and consideration.
Be thoughtful towards each other, and understand where you are both coming from.

It is important because the very foundation of varying religious beliefs could tear you apart from each other if you cannot come to a compromise.

At the end of the day, it depends on how much you are willing to invest into the relationship and the depth of your love for your partner.
No one can force you to do something if you are not willing to, and once you have decided, make sure you have thought it through.
Don't bring it up as a sore point in the future whenever there is an argument.

You have a choice and you MADE that choice.

4. Logistics


You were probably staying far apart from each other, or you were probably neighbors before.
Whichever it is, or wherever you used to come from or call home, you are now going to be with each other and that means staying under the same roof.
Well practically, you are both going to be living in the same space.

Where would that be?

Will that be moving in with your or his parents?
Will you be getting your own place?
Will you be moving to somewhere else?

Discuss the options, talk about your preferences and what works best (bring up what doesn't as well).

The key is honesty - bare it all out because this is the place where you will be staying, well, pretty much, most part of your married life (depending on when or where you would move to next, but this is where you will begin your marriage)

5. Other Relationships

I am not telling you to share the number of previous relationships you have had before; although that would be a good start.
Whether you have had any other relationships before and who your former partners were, is something you can choose to or not to tell your future spouse.
Of course, it would be good if you could tell and talk about it, to avoid future misunderstandings but really, it is your choice.

Anyway, I am not just referring to your former relationships but also the other relationships you have in both your lives.

One of the most important is of course, both your families and extended families.
Then there is the co-worker or even close friendships you have with others; particularly if there is of opposite gender.
Depending on your spouse, it would be good to be frank from the start to give them the heads-up on what to expect from your relationship.

Sure, your relationship is about the both of you, but the world does not revolve around only the two of you.

You are both who you are today because of the people who brought you to the world and also the people you are around with, which shaped your perspectives and beliefs.

Make it a point to talk about these people; and let your partner know the roles they play and the importance of them in your life.

Like it or not, you can't ignore the fact that there will be strings attached; we all have these strings anyway.

You might want to worry if there is totally no one in their lives, and if this is the person you want to be with the rest of your life (if you are socially active) while they are living isolated lives.

No man is an island, and if they were, then you will be the new addition and that signals major change to your partner's life.

6. Family Planning


Granted, you may be looking into having children with your spouse following marriage, or even if not, you may be looking at having your own family; options include adoption.

Maybe you may not want children, or your partner wants more than one child.
These are topics you will have to talk about with each other.

The decision to have or not to have children should be entirely up to the two of you; don't let anyone force you into anything you are not willing to.

The next question is the upbringing and cultivation of your offsprings, if you have decided to have children.
This is an important thing to look into; maybe most would overlook and only consider after the children is born, but this is about bringing up a whole new and next generation.
It should very well be considered and discussed when you decide to bring them to the world.

What kind of values do you want to instill?
What are the differences in both your own family values in your upbringing?
Which religious belief (yours or your partner's) should your children adopt?
Can you agree on what's best?
What kind of education style are you looking at for your child?
Should you spare the rod or use the rod?
What are your shared values?

It is a long list of topics because we are talking about an important responsibility.
When it comes to parenting, everyone wants what's best for their children and that concept of what's best may and will differ for each and every one of us.

Then don't forget about the other people in both your lives; i.e: your parents and elders who will be chipping in with their opinions.

Sure, you don't want to be rude, and you can take the tips from them with courtesy and due respect to their experiences, but at the end of the day, make sure it is what you both want and that you yourselves, know what you want.

There are probably many more topics I could think of, or maybe you could too, though these are fundamentally, in my opinion, the most basic to go into discussion during your relationship and before marriage.

Then maybe there is that whole thing about wedding planning you will think of to discuss, but that is the ceremony where you will enter into the marriage and should not be considered the one to dominate your concept of ultimately what your ideal marriage should look like.

It is a beautiful thing to find someone whom you could love just as much or even more than yourself, to the point to think of spending the rest of your lives with each other.

Do not let all the trivial matters stand in your way, if you are sure of each other.

The wedding is of course, the very beginning as you pledge your love for each other, but remember, it is just one day (maybe a few days at the max).

A marriage is what lasts a lifetime.

That should be the ultimate focus.


Have a good conversation with your partner; not only before marriage but all the time.

A good relationship, not just marriage is all about communication.

So get talking!~

*Author's Note: 
This is not a sponsored/promotional post, and solely based on author's personal opinions and do not represent the general public. 
Experiences vary from one individual to another.
You do not have to agree with me.

Art Direction and Photography Styling by Me.
Photos/Videos all belong to me and are copyrighted.
Please kindly ask for permission if you need to use any of my images.

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