Thoughts on my Birthday This Year

by - Thursday, April 02, 2015

This may be a little more than post-dated; almost on the verge of hollering expiry.
It could probably wait a little longer and then it would be next year then, when I am done acting impressed with that extravagant display of fireworks and then count my days to the candles (I don’t count my candles anyway) which I look forward to blow every.single.year, OR, I could just revive it here, shamelessly and pretending that it was not that long ago.
(It is just a quarter, yeah right, that's not long, at all)

I am talking about my very own humble birthday celebration early this year, and how I have conveniently left this post all the way behind, at the back of my mind and then forgotten all about it.
I have been meaning to write this, to share on a little of my sentiments on my birthday this year and also, perhaps that tiny glimpse into my simple celebration at the very same time.
It was not much of a celebration though; for many reasons.
From my rather wavering health (though on its path to recovery then) to the many happenings in the nation (and world), the atmosphere was just emanating of solemnity and somewhat just keeps one in a sombre mood. There just did not seem much to rejoice in when tragedies are eluding the air.

However, there are many thoughts on my mind that I would like to share; which warrants for a dedicated post altogether. I hope I don’t sound like a drag, but there are just so many things filling me with that kind of excitement and that self-provocation that it seemed that the mind and soul have just undergone a major transformation; in a good way, of course.


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I have always been that person who is into birthdays; and I mean, in that frenzy, hyperventilating kind of way when it comes to my own birthday. I look forward to my birthdays and I even wonder the lack of enthusiasm I see in others when it comes to their birthdays (oh well, it’s their birthdays anyway, I can’t control that).
I love my birthdays; I mean, what is there not to love and rejoice in the very day when I was born and made my way into this world?
Yes, adding that headcount to join the already overpopulating number of Earth’s inhabitants – I am still proud.

I don’t need to pampered with luxurious treats or celebrations of extravagance or such (I mean, I wouldn’t mind either, just kidding), but it is more of a personal sentiment and joy that is deeply rooted in my own heart. It is just me; and I celebrate the occasion with me, and myself, for it is after all, that day which is truly mine, in its own unique way.
Of course I am well aware that there are probably more than millions out there who share that same birthday with me, but in that respect and space, it is very much, still my own.
It is a day where we are allowed to be self-absorbed and just be like queen divas; figuratively speaking.
It is that day when we are fully privileged, and if wedding day makes us special for it is once in a lifetime, I pick birthdays in a heartbeat because I will always enjoy that privilege once every year.
I am blessed to have people around me who could bear such self-obsession when it comes to my birthday and to even share that joy to celebrate with me every single year.

My obsession with my birthday started since young and that day has never ceased to send that high rush of endorphins up my veins and into my soul every single year; and I am pretty sure it will continue in that mode even when I am an aging old lady. Or so I thought, at least, for now.
It surprised me though, the waning excitement I experienced this year as the clock approaches midnight to signal that my favorite day is with me again.
Maybe it was that stubborn virus holding on to my immune system; latching itself for almost a month and causing all that weariness and fatigue, even lacklustre in my own appearance and usual jovial self following the month-long battle.
Maybe it was the weather which was quite gloomy with the continuous rain and puddles everywhere – again strangely since I am always pumped up when it comes to rainy seasons too.
Maybe it was because of the sadness in the air, with the many tragic events taking place around us in the nation. Lives and homes were lost, and there were just so much grief in the air.
Or maybe, I am just reaching that age.
I.am.OLD.

Now when I say this, I would face responses; well, reactions actually, from elders (i.e, my own dad) who just raise that eyebrow at the word Old.
Granted, they are definitely wiser in their age and way beyond mine, but still, that is a different story altogether because it is not of fair comparison.
How I feel and the number should not probably be placed together; technically speaking.
I am not sure of the reasons; which could be many, as mentioned above, but apprehension and that slight downcast should never be associated with me nor my personality.
It is even weird to put those in the very same sentence when it comes to describing me.

I still love my birthday, but the mood was somewhat different, for the many reasons I could think of, but most of all, it could be that maturity or wisdom creeping in.
I like that word - Wisdom.
At the same time, I am pretty sure it is also about that mass hysteria of distress affecting each and everyone from the depressing events taking place one after another in the nation that just attributed to that nationwide gloom and I am just not spared.
It’s like that empath in me; absorbing and soaking up every emotion there is out there and it just creeps into the tiny corners of my soul, filling them up.
I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but if it can affect that little bit of long-term enthusiasm relationship with my birthday, then I am sure it deserves that attention.

Anyway, despite the slight difference in the mood, I still feel elated at the arrival of my birthday; in that modest smiling way rather than that shrieking loud laugh as before.
There are many things I am thankful for and there are also the many things that I have perhaps seen in a different perspective on my very own day.

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Making my wish this year as I blow my candles took on a different light; metaphorically speaking.
It may sound humdrum to some; but it is definitely not out worldly and with no pretense.
It is uncensored and shared in that very direct unabashed manner; straight from the heart.
World peace and comfort for the suffering, the weak, the oppressed top the list.
Yes, my very own birthday wish list.

I wish for less suffering, more understanding, empathy and compassion among everyone in the world.
It has been a heartbreaking year with the unsolved mystery and the grief from the losses from the tragic events in our very own nation and also the world. Every single one is affected, and I am sure there is no way anything we say or do can change that fact for the families and loved ones.

I wish no one will have to go through that same trauma either.

I wish for justice to prevail and to shed light on the unknown and those wrong persecutions.

I wish for people, in general, to have a heart, to feel and see for themselves the world as a shared home.

I wish that everyone would start treating everyone else around them like they would of a family member or someone dear to them.
The heart is downright simple; when everyone starts thinking in that way, we would not have tyrants, cold-blooded murders, and even unscrupulous merchants causing major economic heartaches.
It is a chain effect, people, and it stares back at us in that stark reality.

I wish, for myself, to be a tool, to be able to serve and understand all that is happening in the world.

I don’t strive to help, because I am no saint nor do I possess any superhuman powers.
Besides, who am I to claim to help, and who really needs help?
Nobody is a charity case, and I want to know what I can do, my very tiny part, to say the least, to make that change for a better world and a brighter tomorrow for the upcoming generations.

I am just one humble being, from this corner of the earth, praying for this and wishing on my birthday to be enlightened.

The world is huge out there, and I have seen so but many and I know I am still ignorant to the worldly matters and that understanding is what I seek.

I may have my purpose already designed and written in the stars for me, and I just need to seek it.

I wish for that revelation.

I wish for that great realization.

But most of all, I need to start with my very own self-realization.

I wish for enlightenment and for reduced misery in the world.
It is not a miraculous act overnight, but it is something I would love to understand and learn from.

These are the thoughts that run through my mind this year, as I make that wish.
I really wish for a better world, not for my very own self, but everyone else in the world.
I am not striving to be a saint, nor Mother Theresa, but just to make my existence purposeful while I am here.

Age perhaps?
Wisdom, I would love to say.
My birthday wish will not be granted with that flick of wand from the fairy godmother, but rather, it is one that will be of gradual nature.
It is my very wish to see this in reality, some day.

In the meantime, I am seeking out my own purpose and how, I, myself, can be part of that equation.
Wisdom, definitely has settled ( evident from the laughing lines creeping in on my face :-) )


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